The veil of secrecy with our unexpected event was not intended. First, it was just hard to talk about. Then, it seemed a bit embarrassing. But it is, and it does.

Regardless, here it goes….

My youngest daughter, K, and I traveled overseas to central Asia to visit my oldest daughter, and son-in-law that live there. I was nervous to begin with. Not just for the plane ride, which was 14 hours total, but being in a culture that I wasn’t familiar with, a language that I didn’t know at all, and just traversing all of that with my daughter.

Having never experienced jet lag, I was quite caught off-guard by it. The other thing that caught me off guard was culture shock. Being in a culture and language so different from my own led to feelings that I have never dealt with and wasn’t quite sure how to navigate.

So already having a bit of a hard time, a few days into the trip, my youngest fell and broke her leg bone.

My son in law took her to the ER and they said she needed surgery that night. It was so stressful having to decide what was the best thing to do. But, we decided to wait and come back to the States.

The next day we began to look at switching our plane tickets to head home. It was one problem after another. Spotty internet and cell reception led to being dropped several times just as we were making payment. Because of the timing, the tickets were not purchased, but holds were put on my card.

We ended up, after several hours, finally finding tickets with another airline.

When I type this out it seems so easy and seamless, but it was incredibly stressful. All the holds on my card and the drops in internet and phone service led to me barely having enough money to purchase the tickets home. There was medication and equipment that we needed to get and due to it being so late in the day, we had a difficult time finding it.

The other thing was that I don’t often get to see my oldest daughter and son in law being that they live so far away, so we had planned on being there for two weeks. This was cutting our trip to barely five days. On top of that, my oldest daughter is pregnant and pregnant girls need there mammas sometimes. We had looked forward to spending this two weeks together for so long. It just was heartbreaking to have to leave so soon.

Finally, armed with new tickets, we were to be at the airport at 1am the following morning. Being that it was already after 9pm, we just stayed up and packed. Well…Everyone else packed, I mostly just walked around crying.

There were many people praying that things would work out and we would be able to get K home. And one by one, things did. The people that surround my kiddos there were just magnificent in helping us, people back at home were praying...but I was an absolute wreck (and really, REALLY tired).

Fast forward a few hours and a few gallons of tears and we are at the airport to check in to our flight. After approaching the check in counter, they told us that K couldn’t fly because of her cast. We were just overwhelmed and devastated. So close to have that door slammed shut.

My amazing Son in Law went to talk to another airline and a few hours later he had everything worked out where we could head home. They kindly even booked seats where K could have hope of being semi comfortable during the long flight home.

But this wasn’t before another huge money hold was put on my card and more frantic effort put into getting the money available to buy yet another ticket.

At the airport, the couple of hours that ticked away in between being told we weren’t allowed to fly and my son-in-law getting us a flight felt like an eternity. I prayed and prayed for peace, hope, or just anything God would send that would fill-in the absolute powerless hole I was in.

But there was none.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I didn’t speak the language. I didn’t understand the culture. I didn’t have easy access to money for flights. I couldn’t find available flights. My baby girl was in pain, and we felt unsure as to what was going on inside her leg.

And when I cried out to the One that I was taught would always be there, I felt He wasn’t.

I felt abandoned.

And being abandoned is one of my worst fears.

I was frantic. I didn’t know what to do. I was completely helpless in a time that my daughter needed me to be mom and take care of her. And I couldn’t.

Like I said, my son-in-law worked things out with another airline and we were eventually able to head home. The flight was hard on her…imagine being packed in a tiny, cramped airplane seat with an unset, broken leg…but we made it.

I cried when our plane landed in DC.

Though I’d like to say this was the end of the story, it isn’t. I just haven’t been able to bounce back from that feeling of abandonment. And I don’t really know how to move forward from it. K ended up needing surgery on her leg because it wouldn’t heal.  But we are very thankful to report that three weeks post-surgery, nine weeks post-break, it seems to be heading in a good direction.

Several times after our return, during the process of doctor visits and procedures, things would happen that were out of my control, and I would instantly feel back in that place of complete helplessness. I would panic and my thinking would get all mixed up.

Even worse, the feeling of abandonment would return.

So, I struggle. I question. I grieve. I struggle with what went wrong. I question why. And I grieve the loss of a feeling of control I probably never had in the first place.

But I know He is faithful and steadfast. And because of that I fight a battle.

I fight to figure out what next. I fight a current of anger that flows in my heart. And I fight a fear of living a life that is completely out of my control.

How am I fighting? I spend time in the Word and time just talking and listening to Him. Sometimes I talk to people about it, and sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I’ve spent a lot of time at home over the past two months. I have trouble being around people sometimes.  

It is hard to hit a point in life and see that the foundation I have lived on might be wrong. It causes one to question everything.

When I say wrong, I mean wrong in the sense of not having the control I thought I did. Heck, I didn’t even realize I wanted that control!

So, I go back to the beginning.

He is the creator, and I am not.

Show me, guide me, instruct me…and give me the strength to follow.

I want to hold nothing from Him. I want to be willing to walk whatever path He might have for me.

But it is a lot harder than I thought.