He's There
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I’ve started several writings for today and trashed each one. Then I went back to old posts to see what I might be able to just repost, but everything felt fake.
So here I am in all honestly…I’m tired.
We have decided that the pain and everything I shared with you last week isn’t just normal wear and tear due to aging. There’s something else going on. But we have no idea what. I have just gotten worse too quickly.
So, this week blood work was done trying to see if there is any indication as to why I am in pain.
As results trickle in today, I don’t know whether to be celebrating or curling up in a ball crying.
They all look very normal. I am about as healthy as a 50-year-old can be.
But I am in pain. And it is becoming more frequent that I spend the day unable to do what I want and need to do.
So not to be a downer or anything, but I am having a lot of trouble getting something on paper that is worthy of sharing with you guys this week. So, I think I will just share my life in this moment…It is part of my story, so may God be glorified.
God is good. I know this. In the increased amount of downtime I have, He is sweetly and gently reminding me of that fact.
When I feel discouraged and ticked off because I can’t do what I want to do, He reminds me of the blessings that come from lingering.
When I feel like I can’t take the pain, He has lovingly used it to remind me that I am in fragile form. This body is breaking down and will one day cease to work...for all of us. But He is steadfast, and this body and this life isn’t the end of the road. In fact, it is a beautiful path to the glorious day when I see the One I know and love face to face.
The times when I have felt very useless have been countered with Him incessantly showing me that my worth and value comes from the One who created me. It doesn’t change based one what I can or can’t do.
Sometimes I feel angry at myself thinking I should have taken better care of my body when I was younger. During those times he reminds me that His mercies are new every morning and His forgiveness is complete.
I pray that we figure out what is going on and that it is something that can be fixed. But if not, I pray that He will help me live a life that reflects Him through my suffering just as much, if not more, than it reflects Him in my days that are pain free.
My prayer is that my life might be like Paul’s where I can say…” Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-12
How can we truly love the one we do not know?
My prayer mimics that of Paul in Ephesians 1… I pray that through these writings we all might gain spiritual wisdom and insight so that we can know Him more…love Him more…and serve Him more
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